Strong? Brave? It's a Facade!

I have been told by many how "strong" I am, how "brave" I am. The truth is, it's all a façade!

It's true that I chose not to dwell on my cancer and the unseen dangers that lurk beneath my skin. What's the point? It won't change anything. I try to live my life as close to pre-diagnosis as possible. But deep down, I'm scared to death! I can't see or feel the one tumor that will probably kill me if we can't get a handle on him or keep him in check. So when I hear that the insurance company is denying the best test to monitor my cancer, it is unsettling and upsetting, to say the least.

Then, I call to reschedule my follow-up appointment with Dr. Kocs to discuss results of the CT (not the PET we requested) so I wouldn't have to wait 10 days, I was told there is no space available, there is no waiting list, and the nurse will NOT call me if they get a cancellation. I will have to call the doctor's office several times a day to see if something opened up. I LOST IT! Started crying .... no bawling .... uncontrollably. 

To top it off, after that phone call I see a meeting invite about a project I asked for, where my manager and the new team leads (we just had a re-organization in IT, causing some anxiety on its own) want to discuss THEIR vision of the project. Considering I have a good handle on the project and I am heavily engaged, this hit me wrong .... very wrong. Total basket case now. I felt like the rug was getting pulled out from under me on all fronts. 

This just added to my crying, no bawling, jag. It lasted almost an hour. I was able to pull it together just minutes before a meeting with my business team on another project. Sadly, I still could not talk about the scans and having to wait 10 days to discuss results without getting emotional for at least two days. 

See? I am really mush underneath the brave face I put on for the world. It is a facade! Every cancer patient knows this. But the lay person doesn't want to see.