This is one of my all time favorite jazz/rock bands! This title is appropriate because I am recycling a post from August 2020. Of all my posts, this is my favorite because it is so raw and so personal. It's worth another look.
I do not own the rights to this music or the album cover.
I belong to Breastcancer.org It is a great resource for all things breast cancer. It is also a great place to connect with other breast cancer patients. I follow a thread for woman with MBC and a topic peaked my interest. What do you wish your friends and family knew about MBC. Here are my thoughts on the subject:
What I want people to know about me and MBC? It's all a façade!
I've been told that by the way I look and the way I sound, unless someone told you I had MBC, you would never know. I am told I am strong, I am brave, I have the best attitude and attitude is everything.
It's only been a year since diagnosis but it feels like forever.
If you peel away the layers you find a woman who has lived a good life and has a great family, one that has made her peace with death and is unafraid. Dig a little deeper, and you find a woman who is pretty matter of fact about the whole cancer thing. It is what it is. Accept and move on. Treatment quit working? Again? What's next? Dig deeper and you find a woman who is now keenly aware of her body; every ache, every pain, slightly swollen ankles, new bumps, old bumps, my liver, my back. Silently keeping track and determining what is worthy of a mention to the PA during weekly visits. Peel another layer and you find a woman who shows up for tests and scans with a bravado that dares the machines to find more growth, new tumors, while silently praying for NED (no evidence of disease), if only for a little while.
Keep peeling, layer after layer, until there are no layers left. And there I will be, still unafraid but somewhat sad:
- Acutely aware that I have MBC and it will one day kill me;
- Squelching the panic while I wait for scan results;
- Wondering if the next treatment will work for longer than three months;
- Wondering which treatment will finally "take down" the chemo queen;
- Wishing for NED but knowing that may be an elusive dream;
- Hoping to beat the odds and live longer than the average
The happy, stoic, warrior woman? It's all BS. Every now and then, when someone asks how I'm doing, I just want to say "Cancer sucks and it's a crappy thing to live with day in and day out". The reality is that most people can't handle when we are "real".
Cancer does suck! Big time! And your family can take the scary stuff, the truth. Don't be afraid to tell us and let us be there for you. We may fall apart at the news, but is usually because we can't fix it, and we want desperately to fix it, to make it all better for you. Even in your most vulnerable state you are still my hero, the warrior, kicking cancer's ass. I love you much!
ReplyDeleteI dont shelter the family from the bad stuff. I try to be as transparent as possible. I just don't advertise those days that I get angry about the whole thing. Someone asked me the other day how I was ... and I was honest. On treatment 3 in less than a year, dont know if it will work. If not we try the next thing, and this is my life for the rest of my life. It wasn't what he expected to hear ... got real quiet. So .. most people can't handle the "real". I'm not giving up, though.
ReplyDeleteIt is your life for the rest of your life and you don't let it define or diminish who you are to those who love you. Again, you are my hero, the cancer kicking warrior.
DeleteThank you! Cancer doesn't define me, but it is part of me these days. I plan on doing everything I can to kick cancer to the curb!
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